DAY 27
(May 29)
I’ve enjoyed taking a step back recently and thinking about the big picture of why we are here adopting these boys. It’s because adoption is at the heart of God’s plan for us. God’s plans are so good. He deserves all the praise for adopting us as His children. And on a smaller scale, for making this plan for Peter and Zion to be adopted into our family.
Ephesians 1:
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. 4 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace 8 that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, 9 he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, 10 to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.
11 In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, 12 in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. 13 And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.
Deuteronomy 10:17-21 says, “For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of Lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God, who is not partial and takes no bribe. He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing. Love the sojourner, therefore, for you were sojourners in the land of Egypt. You shall fear the Lord your God. You shall serve him and hold fast to him, and by his name you shall swear. He is your praise. He is your God, who has done for you these great and terrifying things that your eyes have seen.”
My sister-in-law wrote this verse in a card when we left and it has been a big encouragement as well:
2 Chronicles 20:12 For we are powerless against this great horde that is coming against us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.
This is such a crazy adventure. There have been many times already (and I’m sure many more to come) that all we can say is, “We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you!” It’s a hard place to be but the best place to be at the same time.
Today we’re feeling a little cooped up. It’s the inauguration day for Nigeria’s president. We’ve been warned by multiple sources to stay put for the day. The elections were fraught with corruption so there is fear of violent riots. It’s also been stormy all morning, so we haven’t been able to take the boys out to swim or play. For now, they’re watching a show together. Our house manager, Promise, who has become a friend as well is sitting in the kitchen chatting with Dave. Hopefully the weather clears soon and we can get the kids outside. We’re used to the electricity going off a few times per day. Thankfully it doesn’t usually stay off for long. This morning for some reason it went off many times. Our water supply also shut off for awhile when I was trying to wash breakfast dishes. When it came on, it was dark brown in color. Not sure what that was about!
It’s been amazing to me how quick kids are to adjust to new norms. The first few days we were here, our original three boys would freak out when the electricity turned off. When it happened in the middle of the night, Luke and Ben would come running and screaming to our room. Very quickly, they became accustomed. Now they just keep their headlamps on their nightstands for when the lights go off. When the power goes off, AJ just announces nonchalantly, “Electricity is off!” It was also a new routine to brush teeth with filtered water only. All of us made the mistake in the beginning of sticking the toothbrush under the faucet out of habit. Now they are well-trained and would never think to do that. They just know to bring their water bottles up with them at bedtime to brush their teeth.
This week should pass pretty quickly. Only 3 nights left in this apartment. Woohoo! I keep looking at the photos on Airbnb of the new place where we are headed. Gives me hope :) Tomorrow we plan to get together with some of our new friends— the American family who has been stuck here for almost 2 years trying to complete their daughter’s adoption. Wednesday Adun plans to come back to help me while I get packed up for our move on Thursday. Then Papa flies in Thursday evening! He has a pile of things we’ve requested— shoes that fit the twins (their feet are much bigger than I anticipated!), “blankies” for the twins, GF pretzels, some of our favorite granolas and baking mixes, more melatonin, kids cough medicine, pull-ups, wipes etc. Sure is nice to have someone coming halfway through to bring things we want!
We had some REALLY ENCOURAGING developments lately. Last week, two ladies from our U.S. adoption agency came to Lagos for their first time. Becca, who is our main contact and coordinator, was one of them. We’re very grateful for her. She has been amazing to work with. Very responsive, smart and helpful. She lives in a different state as us, so this was actually our first time meeting her in person. It was cool timing to have them in-country while we are here and was nice to compare stories and thoughts together regarding this crazy adoption process and crazy city! As we have shared already, we have been dreading the day that we have to return the twins to the orphanage while we wait for the U.S. immigration process. We had talked about how nice it would be to be able to bring the twins to Jos to one of the orphan care centers run by our friends the Fretheims. That’s where Uncle Dan lives too as well as many other friends and contacts. We asked Becca about this possibility when she visited— thinking for sure that this would be prohibited— and she immediately answered, “Yes! Sure! They’re your kids. You can put them wherever you want within Nigeria.” We were elated! We couldn’t believe it!! We have since spoken with Peter on the phone and he was more than helpful and encouraging and completely positive about the idea. He and his wife will think and pray about what situation might be the best for the twins in our absence. There may be some Nigerian staff at the ministry or some westerners available to care for them. Or they can stay in one of the care centers. No matter what situation it ends up being, we are confident that it will be a million times better than sending them back to their previous orphanage here in Lagos. They will be safer in Jos. They will be loved and cared for by people we know and can stay in close communication with. We’re not sure yet about the timing but we hope to fly to Jos as soon as our business here in Lagos is done. Maybe another 3-4 weeks or so. We have received the go-ahead to leave Lagos once the boys’ birth certificates and NIN are received. Then we can get them settled and comfortable in Jos. Shortly after that, we should receive the go-ahead to complete the last step of our first trip which is to bring the twins to Abuja (4-5 hour drive from Jos) to complete the passport applications. At this point, we will send the twins back to Jos and we will fly back to Colorado from Abuja. Can’t express the relief and peace that this plan has brought to us on multiple levels!! It means setting the twins up for much less trauma and difficulty during the waiting period and it also means we can get out of Lagos sooner and go back to Jos again to visit friends. The last time we were there was before we had any kids at all!
Another encouragement (much more minor but still encouraging!)— we finally have a drip coffee maker in our apartment. Adun was able to order the coffee maker, coffee grinder and filters for us. Who knew it would take 3+ weeks to get access to real coffee lol! Sometimes it’s the little things in life :)
The twins continue to be a handful but we continue to see a lot of progress. They do seem to be growing in their level of trust and comfort in their new parents and family. There’s a lot less fighting. Tantrums are lessening. New habits are forming. Peter seemed to turn the corner the other day… He was really struggling with behavior and attitude. One morning, we opened the front door to answer the bell and he bolted for the street (which he knows very well not to do). Ben ran out after him to pull him back inside. Peter was mad about it and then made up a lie about Ben punching him or something. Dave dealt with it and put Peter in a timeout chair. After the dust had settled, Peter was allowed out of time out and immediately slapped Zion in the face (simply because he was the nearest victim). After the third offense, we decided we needed a bigger consequence so we told him he would not be able to swim when we went to the pool that day. We felt badly for him. It felt a bit like torture to make him sit on the sidelines of the pool while the brothers swam in the afternoon but we helped him process it and it really seemed to get through. He was able to verbalize that because he ran in the street and lied and hurt a brother, his pool privileges were taken away. His behavior has been markedly better since then.
Monday, May 29, 2023
just a few more
Dying of heat stroke in that stuffy courthouse.
Brothers
Pics Round 3
Just after our custody court hearing.
On our way back to the apartment after gaining custody of the twins!
All smiles when Uncle Dan is around.
The bar stools of death.
Our funny dining table set up for the littles.
Sunday, May 28, 2023
More photos
Morgan Hill's office:
First adoption meeting the morning after we arrived.
Pictures from our first two visits with the twins at their orphanage.
First picture of the complete Fritzler family.A picture's worth a thousand words
Heading out to the airport, saying goodbye to our wonderful neighbors.
Leaving Denver with so many suitcases!
Amazing little travelers!
Finally crashed on dad's shoulders after we arrived in Lagos.
Our beloved Uncle DanSaturday, May 27, 2023
Groundhog Day
DAY 24
(May 26)
More than three weeks since we’ve been here. 2 and a half weeks with the twins. The days are starting to feel a bit like Groundhog Day. We’re thankful to only have 6 nights left in this apartment. Moving to a nicer place will be a good change of pace. It will also give us something to do during this season of waiting. We’ve been told that we have to obtain the certified copy from the court of the adoption finalization before we can start applying for the other necessary documents (birth certificates, NIN’s and passports). They anticipate that we will receive the certified court order within the next week and a half. In the meantime we’re just trying to occupy these five boys and work extra hard on bonding with and training the latest additions.
We’ve fallen into somewhat of a daily routine. The three littles always end up in our room one way or another so the day begins whenever the first one wakes up. Usually by 5:30 am. We then spend a lot of time and effort trying to keep them quiet in hopes of the others staying asleep. Or maybe even the two of us getting an extra minute or two of sleep! As time goes, there is some improvement. Initially Peter would just wake up at 5 something, bolt out the door, run downstairs, turn the bright lights on and start playing with his toys. We quickly taught him that this is not going to be the norm.
Once we decide there’s no use trying to keep everyone quiet, Dave and I stumble out of bed and get them dressed. Dave heads downstairs with them and tries not to wake Luke and Ben in the process. I quickly brush my teeth and wash my face before heading down to help him. I always feel a sense of urgency because it doesn’t feel right to leave him with all three hungry animals for too long!
I then have to do inventory of all the sheets and clothing that need to be washed. They all sleep in pull-ups but somehow the twins manage almost every night to completely soak through pull-ups, pjs and bedding. And that’s even with me usually changing their pull-up once during the night! We have the world’s tiniest washing machine so I typically have to run a few cycles throughout the morning. No dryer. Clothes are hung out back on drying racks and clotheslines. We’ve had to start paying closer attention to the weather because you have to be quick enough to pull the drying clothes inside before the rain starts!
Dave and I take turns making breakfast for everyone. I would say it’s usually Dave who takes on this task. Typically it’s fried eggs and toast. Sometimes pancakes or oatmeal as well. We go through at least a dozen eggs every morning. Every meal, each boy has a second helping! The twins would ALWAYS eat more than two helpings so we’ve had to teach them that after bowl#2, that’s it. This used to cause major meltdowns but I think the meltdowns have lessened because they’ve realized that there is always a snack or another meal just around the corner.
This apartment isn’t set up well for mealtimes unfortunately. There’s a few sketchy bar stool-type chairs at the island in the kitchen. (An island that has a very heavy fake granite slab on top that is completely unattached to the furniture base. Great set-up for rambunctious little boys.) Then there’s a metal coffee table with a glass top that we have moved from the living room. This is where the three littles sit. Their “chairs” are their little booster seats—the ones for the car.
We then do the dishes by hand. We have to be thorough in allowing the dishes to dry completely before using them again since we are washing them with the nasty tap water. We have a makeshift water filter set up on the counter. It’s a large bucket that we fill with tap water and then it flows through a filtration hose to gravity. With this we fill large jugs to store in the fridge to fill up individual water bottles to drink. It works well except for when we start filling a jug, walk away mid-way through all the while telling ourselves we will NOT forget, and inevitably we forget. Or get side tracked by one of the thousands of distractions in this household. Dave and I have both forgotten several times. Usually one of the kids starts yelling, “mom there’s water in the kitchen!!” and immediately we say “oh no! I can’t believe I forgot again!” This wouldn’t be a huge deal except for the fact that towels are at a premium around here. We have 5 bath towels for the whole family. They’re pretty gross. Definitely look like they’ve been used more as rags than for drying off after showers. We shopped for bath towels early on but never found any. Just a few hand towels and rags and even those were quite expensive! Adun tried to find us bath towels while shopping but it proved challenging so we have just decided to stick it out till we get to the new place which provides more towels. Anyways… we usually just sop up the flood with dirty laundry so we don’t have to waste a “clean” (or semi clean) bath towel. When you need to wash a towel, it takes at least 24 hours before it’s ready to use because it doesn’t dry quickly. Even in the sun. It’s just too humid out.
After breakfast, I usually try to get some schoolwork done with Luke and Ben while the littles play. Needless to say, it’s chaotic but we’re learning some strategies to actually get some work done. I don’t know if the boys would say the same but I enjoy the school lessons and reading. It’s a nice mental escape. Helps things feel a little bit “normal” and nice to actually use our brains for something more than training preschoolers, airing out laundry or cleaning up urine. Somewhere in there we have a morning snack after I’ve been asked no less than 15 times for food. (Even though it’s only 10 am AND they just ate a dozen eggs for breakfast.) Next is lunch. Sometimes indome (Nigerian Raman) or sandwiches or leftover rice. AJ has been tricky to feed. He doesn’t like what we have available for cold cuts for sandwiches. He hates indome. Has always hated peanut butter. And refuses to eat rice. Good cheese is hard to come by. He doesn’t like the grilled cheese sandwiches that I’ve made because the cheese is so different. Sometimes I just feed him more eggs for lunch. Or a steak sandwich. Or leftover spaghetti.
Depending on the day, Dave and I will try to help each other out to allow the other to get a workout. We try to get Dave some chunks of time here and there to focus on work.
In the afternoons we usually take them to the pool that is within our complex. By then we’re ready for a cool down and it helps the boys get some energy out. There’s usually some soccer playing on the little turf field nearby and there’s a small swing set and merry go round as well. We’ve only used the gym a couple times. It reeks of spray paint. Like overwhelmingly so. And the equipment isn’t much to write home about. That was disappointing because that was one of the main reasons we chose this place- for the gym. But looks like the next place has a much better workout room so we’re looking forward to that!
We bring them all back and get them bathed/showered. Then we try to eat by about 5:00 because— you guessed it— they’re all starving again! Our dinners are pretty basic. I’ll bake some chicken or potatoes. I’ve done a beef stir fry. We’ll bake some frozen French fries or make some spaghetti. Sometimes we order pizza delivery from Dodo’s. That’s been a lifesaver. Thankfully Adun’s meals add some pizazz! I don’t think we’ve eaten anything green since we’ve been here. Definitely missing our salads and roasted veggies from home.
Usually we let them have a little downtime right before or after dinner. Luke and Ben like to lock themselves in their room and play games on their tablets. I then put on a kids’ show like Bluey or something animated for the littles. Pretty consistently it’s just Peter and Anders watching the show. Zion just doesn’t really care about screens which honestly I’m happy about! He’ll just go play quietly off by himself while the others watch. All the boys have loved playing with magna-tiles. We brought a bunch of them thankfully! They also do a lot of pretend play which usually involves packing their backpacks and driving somewhere like school or on a camping trip. All five of the boys’ favorite place to play is in the tiny kitchen. I guess there are some benefits to having a kitchen that is so poorly stocked. It means there are a lot of free cabinets for kids to get into. They make camping sites and houses and cars and whatever else out of the cabinets. At times, there will be 4 boys smushed into one cabinet at a time! There’s always lots of roughhousing, kicking/throwing balls and arguments over who took whose magna-tiles.
After dinner I check the laundry that has been hanging outside to dry. It’s usually still damp so I bring it inside and hang it on our interior stairs railing to finish drying overnight. Then it’s time for pull-ups and PJ’s for the littles. We brush their teeth and read some books and sing some songs (The very lively Old MacDonald by daddy is a favorite). We usually start this process around 7:00. We’ve had quite a variety of sleeping arrangements. Sometimes we put all three to sleep in a king bed then we usually bring AJ into our room later to sleep on the couch. Initially we did it because we didn’t really trust that the twins wouldn’t harm him in his sleep lol. Now we just do it because when Anders calls out for something in the middle of the night his screaming won’t wake anyone else. Except for one night when Zion stayed in the king bed all night, the twins always end up in our room. For awhile we had little cushions on the floor next to our bed for them to sleep on. Covered in garbage bags to protect the cushions from urine! Now we have a couple soft benches pushed together at the foot of our bed so the twins can sleep there side by side. And this way they can share the big comforter to keep them warm in our air conditioned room. They would get so cold when they were sleeping on the floor and we don’t have any extra blankets around here. Either Dave or I have to stay in their room until all three are asleep. Takes about 45 minutes. Once the littles are asleep, it’s usually about 8:00 and Luke and Ben are often chomping at the bit for some attention from mommy and daddy so we try to do something fun with them. We’ve been playing Sequence or a new game for us called Castle Panic. Then we get them a snack and head upstairs for the second round of teeth brushing and book reading and tucking into bed. By now it’s usually 9:00 or after. We usually haven’t had time to shower yet, so we get our showers done and then sit down with a cup or tea or a glass of wine and debrief from the day. Sometimes Dave has some work to do or I finish laundry/dishes and read for a few minutes, then we’re ready to crash by 10:30!
Wednesday, May 24, 2023
Big day! Adoption Finalization Court
DAY 20
(May 22)
Over the weekend, our Morgan Hill officer told us that the Ministry requested an appointment with our family for Monday morning at 10 am to complete an “important document.” This wasn’t a step listed in our schedule so at first we were a little confused. Not sure if there was something we should be nervous about. We were scheduled for Tuesday morning at the courts for our bonding assessment. Then the plan was to receive yet another court date to legalize the boys’ adoption. On Sunday, I said to Dave, “Wouldn’t it be nice if they could just jump ahead to the adoption finalization on Tuesday’s court hearing?” And after I said those words, I thought maybe we should just pray for that. It wouldn’t be the typical course of events but it sure would be nice to not have to wait yet another couple weeks for the finalization. Sure enough! When we went to the Ministry for our morning meeting today, the lady in charge of the adoption department pulled out our file and started signing papers to give us approval for the legalization of the boys’ adoption the following court day! Wow! Such a gift!!
It was a long and trying day for the kids. Yet another day of being dragged around, spending many hours waiting in long car rides and adoption offices. Our driver was late in arriving at our apartment. Without traffic, he said it should take him about an hour to drive to our house. Instead this morning it took 3.5 hours! Apparently the president is in town so there were multiple road closures. We were at the ministry from about 10:30-12:30. We had promised the kids that we would stop at Domino’s on our way home and grab some ice cream from Coldstone. The traffic and road closures were so bad heading home that we couldn’t get to Domino’s so we ended up stopping at a different pizza place on our way. What should be about 45 minutes to an hour took us at least 2 hours to get home.
P&P use the phrase, “I have to wee” when they need to go potty. AJ has started to use their phrase now too. He’ll say, “Mom I have to pee. I mean, wee.” hahaha
P&P get very excited to wear sweatshirts. The rest of us are roasting in the heat while they’d be happy bundled up in sweatpants and sweatshirts. They crack us up because they call sweatshirts “Candy-dahs”. We asked our social worker and officer about what they were saying and they explained that Nigerians call sweatshirts or sweaters “cardigans” so we think that’s where “candy-dahs” comes from.
DAY 21
(May 23)
Another court day! We got everyone up around 7 am. Mr. A arrived around 8:00 to drive us to the court. We were prepared for a similar process as the last time. Arrive by 9 am. (We got there at 8:30.) Be prepared with snacks and toys because it could be a long wait. The judge (magistrate) may or may not show up. It took a whole 5 minutes of being in that hot room for us to feel like we were melting. It was so hot and stuffy! Luke and Ben were pretty content with their tablets and headphones playing little video games. The other three were a different story. All the things I brought would hold their attention for anywhere from 30 seconds to 2 minutes then they would fuss or tantrum or meltdown. Poor AJ has definitely had his world rocked these last few weeks so his behavior currently mirroring that of the twins. I think it was only about 10:30 when we got called back to the magistrate’s office. Our Morgan Hill officer Cheri was with us as well as a representative from the Ministry and some other people whose identities were never provided. All five boys were pretty quiet and well-behaved. The judge and some others in the room commented that the twins’ behavior was much better today than when they were in that office two weeks ago. “You’re doing a good job!” they said. Unfortunately, the magistrate started looking through the papers and quickly dismissed us all. She was not happy with the Ministry rep. The Ministry had lumped P&P’s files into one. The magistrate thought this was completely unacceptable. She said they are individuals and they need to have individual files to review. She made us leave the room and said we could call us back later once the paperwork was fixed. She reminded the Ministry that if they didn’t get this resolved today, we’d have to wait awhile because she was about to leave on vacation. The Ministry lady scrambled. Made copies. Had us re-sign some forms. Now we’re stuck in the hot waiting room full of people again with some very antsy, tired, grumpy little boys. No idea how long we have to wait. The Ministry lady and Cheri assured us that everything would be fine but it was unsettling to say the least. The magistrate was NOT happy and you’re just completely at her mercy at this point.
After a LOOOONG 3 hours trying to keep the littles happy in that hot room— did I mention how hot it was?! ;), we were finally called back into her office. At first it didn’t seem to go well. The Ministry handed the magistrate the updated paperwork and she asked a lot of questions. There were more forms that she was not happy about. She just kept saying, “You only have one copy of this? I need two copies for each file.” Thankfully she didn’t kick us out again. The lady from the Ministry made copies of whatever the judge requested. It’s impossible to describe the disarray of papers and files spread out all over the place. Made me and Dave with our type A brains start twitching. The twins’ papers kept getting put in the wrong piles on the desks in the room. The judge would start writing on one of the papers and then she’d lose that paper in the sea of documents and everyone would start hunting for it. She started with Peter’s file and went down her checklist asking the Ministry lady to hand her each item (things like our notarized tax returns, bank account statements, medical reports, utilities, payment stubs, birth certificates, marriage certificate etc.— all the stuff we had sent over in our original dossier way back when.) She asked us to write out what legal name we would like Peter to have. We wrote “Peter Taiwo Fritzler.” She then read through a formal proclamation of the legalization of Peter as our child. Everyone clapped and cheered. I was holding Peter, trying to explain what what was happening but I don’t think he really understood. Although he has been practicing saying his new name “Peter Fritzler” in his Nigerian/British English accent. So cute! Next, the went through the same process for Paul’s file. We wrote down his new legal name for her: “Zion Kehinde Fritzler.” She said with a chuckle, “Okay Kehinde, come receive your court order.” He stood very stoically at her desk as she read off the official adoption proclamation and everyone clapped and cheered for the second time. Phew! It was done! Dave said he doesn’t think he’s ever prayed so hard as when the judge was combing through those papers with a million criticisms. So many emotions. COMPLETE exhaustion and COMPLETE elation. Our nerves were fried but our hearts so grateful. Grateful most of all for this big step completed (2-4 weeks sooner than expected!) and grateful that we don’t have to do ANOTHER long court day as originally planned.
Now that the boys’ adoption is finalized, we are allowed to share photos and names. The boys are estimated to be about 3 and a half years old. They have been at the orphanage for about a year and a half. When they arrived at the orphanage, they were able to communicate their names: Taiwo and Kehinde. These are names from the Yoruba tribe (a tribe common to Lagos). We have learned that historically the Yoruba tribe has a higher incidence of multiples than other people groups. When they have twin boys, they usually name them Taiwo and Kehinde, Taiwo for the boy who is born first. When the boys arrived at the English-speaking orphanage, they started referring to Taiwo as Peter and Kehinde as Paul (these are the English equivalents of their birth names). We always hoped to name a Nigerian son after our friend Peter Fretheim who is a missionary in Jos, Nigeria, so it seems providential that one boy was already given that name! Peter Fretheim and his wife Miriam have lived in Nigeria for over 20 years now spreading the good news of Jesus and operating many ministries to help the poor and needy, including orphans and widows. I have known them since I was a young child. They were the reason I first came to Nigeria back in 2007 and it was on this trip that God planted the seeds for a desire to adopt orphans from Africa. Dave and I have always loved the name Zion. Over the last couple of weeks we have talked to Paul about whether he likes the idea of a new name and it seems that he does. He has taken to the name Zion quickly. We wanted to keep their Yoruba names to honor their birth mother (though her identity is unknown) and to show respect for their Nigerian origins.
You would think that since the adoption is finalized, that means we should be near the end of the process. Unfortunately, there is still a LOT that needs to be done before we can bring them home to the U.S. Next steps are to obtain the official court order, apply for the boys’ Nigerian birth certificates, NINs (Nigerian equivalent of a social security number) and Nigerian passports (which will include traveling with them by plane to Abuja to the passport office). We are required to stay in country for all of the above steps. This is estimated to take at least another 4 weeks. After this, we will have to return the twins to their orphanage while the rest of us fly back to the U.S. We are dreading this part more than we can express. EVERY SINGLE DAY Peter says “I don't want to go back to the orphanage.” We haven't yet told them that this is a necessary part of the sequence of events. Please pray for God’s help and grace all over this. We feel so badly for them. They were already matched with a family last year who decided not to adopt them after 1 week of custody. We were told that it was a very traumatic experience when they were returned to the orphanage after thinking this was going to be their forever family.
Once we return to the U.S. there will be many steps to complete to gain approval from the U.S. to accept the twins as U.S. citizens. We will need an I-600 approval from USCIS (United States Center for Immigration Services). There will be multiple parties reviewing the boys’ files to validate that they are indeed legally adoptable orphans. Then we will need exit visas from the U.S. embassy in Lagos. We are told to expect at least a 4-month wait from when we return to the U.S. to when we can go back to Nigeria for a 2-week trip to pick up the boys and fly them home. We have learned of many horror stories of other adoptive families who have had to wait a year or two for this process to be completed. And worse. There's a family who has a legally adopted child in Nigeria who has been stuck here for almost 2 years with no end in sight for if/when they will receive U.S. approval of immigration for their daughter. However, we are doing our best to stay positive and hopeful, trusting in the One who started us on this journey in the first place. “For we know that all things work together for good for them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.” This is true.
Saturday, May 20, 2023
Bedtime Struggles
DAY 17
(May 19)
Last night I had a hard time sleeping. During the day, I feel pretty good about things but at night, my mind can tend to wander and start thinking about all the things people tell us regarding the very unsafe environment we are in. It’s one thing to feel like I’m in danger; it’s another to feel like I could be putting my kids in a dangerous environment. I prayed a lot and thought about the fact that “goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.” No choice but to commit ourselves into His loving hands that are guiding us along each step.
It also doesn’t help the sleeping situation when most nights our room ends up with 4 out of 5 children sleeping there. The interruptions are constant. Someone else coming in looking for a spot to sleep. Somebody coughing. Somebody snoring. Somebody scared. Somebody needing a blanket put back on. Somebody who thinks it’s time to get up for the day. Somebody peed through their pull-up (this one happens every night for P&P!) I’m hoping to start exercising again. I’ve only worked out once since we got here. I think this will help me sleep more soundly at night.
Adun spent the night on the couch again and stayed for the morning to help keep track of the littles. She is the perfect balance of loving/fun and firm/unbending… it’s exactly what the twins need. Having a third adult around is a game changer. For the morning, we were able to divide and conquer. Dave finally got to get some concentrated time for work. I was able to focus on Luke and Ben’s homeschooling while Adun kept the “triplets” occupied in another room. She’s not afraid to jump in and work with the children on their attitudes and behaviors. Her approach is so similar to ours, so it works out great because she just reinforces the things we’re already trying to teach them. I was laughing because it brought me back to when Luke and Ben were small and quite a handful. My sister Mary lived with us and I can remember so many times telling her how nice it was to have someone else there to say all the things I would say, “Don’t hurt your brother. You need to sit here until you finish your food. Try that again— ask politely this time.” etc. Sometimes it was nice to just get a break from saying the same things over and over again. I could just sit there in silence and let her handle things. I told Adun I feel like she’s my Mary here in Nigeria.
She asked me if I’d considered hiring a nanny while we’re here. I told her I’d love to, but it’s not something I feel we can jump into quickly. You have to be so careful who you let into your home. It feels like the whole city is out to extort us in some fashion. She totally understood and said she doesn’t even tell friends where she is going or what she is doing when she comes to stay with us. She validated that we can’t trust anybody. The only reason we hired her was because she was recommended by a friend of a friend who has a very trustworthy reputation. She said even when she leaves her house she watches her back constantly. She said you have to. She said she prays every time she goes out that God would keep her from evil people and allow her to encounter kind, well-meaning people as she does her business out in public. We asked her to let us know if there’s anyone she would trust that might be willing to come help us with the children a couple times per week. She knows that our most needy time period is the next two weeks before my dad gets here. Later in the day, she came back to us and said, “I’ve thought about it. I talked to the Holy Spirit and my husband. If it’s ok with you, I will plan to stay here from Tuesday-Saturday for the next two weeks. I will continue to shop and cook for you but will also help with the children.” Seriously, such a God send!
Guess I spoke too soon about peaceful bedtimes. Poor P&P lost it about 6:00 this evening. They were SO TIRED but SO MAD that I said we should go upstairs and go to bed. No matter what I tried, they wouldn’t stop wailing. I told them that I love them and at some point they’ll have to learn that I do what’s best for them. I said, I’m your mommy and I’m telling you it’s time for bed. You can scream as long as you have to, but sadly there is no other option. They were angry enough with me that they didn’t want me to lie in bed with them. So I just turned off the lights, made them get into bed, stood by the door and waited for awhile while they screamed. I told them that I wouldn’t leave. I would stay right there until they could settle down in sleep. P1 fell asleep fairly quickly. P2 put up a good, long fight. Eventually he stopped screaming and just sat up in bed staring at me. He then let me come lie down next to him. It was actually a very sweet moment with him. He was laying flat on his back with his arms over his head (as he often does when he’s sleeping). He was still awake but peaceful. He didn’t want to talk but he was fine with me talking to him. I put my face close to his and looked into his big beautiful eyes. I just tried to speak truths into him. I said things like "I’m sorry you were so upset. I’m sorry if you’re scared. I love you. I love you no matter what. When you’re screaming, I still love you. Dad and I think you're amazing. God made you very special. I’m your mommy and I will always be your mommy. I know you don’t want to go to bed but I can tell you are so tired. I want you to rest so you can feel good tomorrow and have another fun day together.” It was adorable. He didn't say anything but he also didn’t push me away. He kept his gaze on me as I talked. And every time I said something, he would nod his head as if to acknowledge what I was saying. Definitely not the bedtime process that I prefer, but I do believe with time, these things will help solidify things in their brain. Things like, mom and dad won’t leave me even when I’m screaming. Mom and dad won’t change their minds on things just because I throw a huge tantrum. Mom and dad love me and even when I don’t fully understand, sometimes they know what’s best for me.
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