The good, the bad, the crazy

DAY 8-12

(May 10-14)

All hands on deck like never before! It’s been an intense few days. Lots of hard. Lots of good. Let’s start with the good..

The twins continue to show a desire to be close to both me and Dave. They seem comfortable with us and there is a foundation of trust that has begun. Every night they make their way to our room to sleep there. This encourages me because it shows that they understand that we are available for them. They are beginning to make better behavioral choices as they learn about consequences that come from poor choices. Even in just 6 days, their ability to emotionally regulate has improved. Maybe just in small ways but it’s still steps in the right direction!

They are both so smart. P1 asks really good questions and communicates mature thoughts. He has told us multiple times that he does not want to go back to the orphanage. He asks all the time about our house in Colorado and keeps telling us that he wants to go there. Both are really exited that they will have their own beds. P2 loves to keep track of every family member’s items. For instance, he’ll go on a mission to find each person’s water bottle and hand them out accordingly. At times he also loves to jump in and help sweep or clean up. 

They are starting to respect Luke and Ben as their big brothers instead of just bullying them all the time. We get glimpses of them playing peacefully and happily with Anders. They have the ability to be kind to others and we have seen genuine remorse and “sorry’s” along with kisses and hugs. P2 will occasionally just come up to me and say, “Mommy, I ‘wove’ you.”

One huge encouragement to us was being put in touch with a Nigerian lady, Adun who came to stay with us for two days. She went to the market twice and cooked us a bunch of meals to have on hand. I asked her what her name meant and she said “sweetness.” It’s very fitting. She exudes sweetness and kindness. She is great with the kids and also helps with household chores. She plans to come every week for a 2-day/1-night stay to help us out. I told her she’s like an angel to us! She has three young children herself, but is willing to take a long bus ride to come work for us and spend the night on the living room couch. I told her she’s exactly what I needed— a Nigerian sister.

Now for the hard… This section might be a little longer ;)

When Dave and I try to describe the initial insertion of these two boys into our family, all we can think of is to envision bringing in miniature gang members off the streets. Their challenging life history has created in them a strong “fight” instinct. It makes sense. They’ve just been trying to survive. Trying to stand up for themselves to get their needs met— including food and water. So now our biggest goal is to re-train their brains until they comprehend that we are their parents for life. We’re not going to run out of food. We will always be there to listen and to advocate for them. They are seen. They are heard. They are loved. Unconditionally.

We are so thankful to have our resident three boys with us for this adventure, but it has been hard to see the trials they have had to endure through the process. The twins are ROUGH. Particularly to other children. And particularly to the ones their size (i.e. Anders). During the first couple days, I can’t tell you how many times the original Fritzler boys got punched in the face or worse— clawed in the face. Usually for no good reason. We’ve had to be firm. We’ve had to set very clear boundaries. It’s a constant battle but it does seem that at least some of the general ground rules are getting through to their brains. Zero tolerance for hurting other people. No throwing objects. No stealing food from brothers’ bowls. No peeing on the ground just because you’re mad. (We have probably cleaned up puddles of urine inside the house at least 50 times. I have to admit. This one drives me nuts. So gross!!) 

So many times per day, we think we’ve finally gotten to a more peaceful spot and then the wheels fall off in half a second. The tantrums and the screaming are unpredictable and can last awhile. And it feels like we’re just constantly putting out fires. They’re really good at playing off of each other too. When one twin is acting out, the other will go pee on the floor or punch a brother or something else mischievous because they know the parents are preoccupied. One night, Dave was laying in their bed trying to get them to settle down. P2 acted like he was asleep. As soon as P1 ran out for a jail break, Dave chased after him and P2 grabbed my phone and brought it to the bathroom to play with. Like I said— they’re smart! Bright little brains and a lot of street smarts! A dangerous combo ;)

Each night Dave and I talk about the good and the bad of the day and discuss possible strategies to try the next day. Hands down the most trying days of our parenting careers so far, but we know it will be worth it. We get glimpses everyday of progress and of amazing things underneath their rough exteriors. So much potential. We just have to constantly remind ourselves and each other that they are coming from a very hard place. They’ve experienced more difficulty and stress and trauma in their short little lives than any of the rest of us in the family (well maybe with the exception of Luke).

One big prayer request at the moment: on Saturday, AJ fell off the back of the couch in the living room and slammed his right arm into the corner of a wall. He’s usually a crazy tough kid so when he reacted the way he did, I knew it wasn’t a run-of-the-mill injury. We’re pretty sure he has a fractured bone. His elbow swollen and painful, but thankful it’s not too extreme at this time. We texted our beloved pediatrician back home who helped guide us for how to position the arm for now in a makeshift sling. Praying for wisdom. I’m terrified of the medical system here but we asked some American friends here for recommendations for doctors and plan to bring AJ in for an x-ray tomorrow. 7 1/2 years of raising active little boys. Never a broken bone. Crazy that he had to wait until we were in Africa to fracture something!

Other prayer requests for general health. Overall I’ve been amazed how healthy everyone has been, but P2 started with a cough/cold a few days ago. Now P1, AJ, and I are all fighting it.

Also, had another run-in with the security guard here and there are many things not to love about the current apartment. Praying for guidance if there might be a better option for the second half of our stay.

This whole thing would be challenging in our own Colorado home which is set up perfectly for little boys and surrounded by helpful, loving friends and family so the fact that we have to do this in this context in Africa is a bit insane!! Thank you for all of your prayers and encouraging texts from back home. This is really hard (as we knew it would be!), but it helps SO MUCH feeling all of the support behind us. We know we’re not alone even though we sometimes feel like we are in the moment.